Marital relations after childbirth: Many couples complain that their marital life is negatively affected after childbirth, and this affects their quality of life greatly, and makes them feel heavy and overloaded, and these parents think that childbirth is the direct cause of these problems and negative effects, but the real reason lies behind not drawing explicit and clear boundaries between their married life and their children, which causes random behavior and children’s interventions, and thus negatively affects the quality of married life.
Marital relations after childbirth
Boundaries between parents and children
- The idea of drawing clear borders and distances that should not be crossed is what makes every person in life know his limits and his place, and thus no collisions or problems occur.
- Imagine if countries did not demarcate borders between them and their neighbors, what would have happened? More tension, wars, and conflicts, of course, as each party enters the territory of the other party without knowing that it is its borders and that it should not cross it, this is how life is, the relationship of spouses to each other is much better before childbirth, and then begins to collapse gradually after the birth of children, and the reason for This is not the children per se, but rather the parents’ failure to draw boundaries for their lives with their child, boundaries that he should not cross, boundaries that he should respect and appreciate.
- Most couples after childbirth feel that their lives and the lives of their children have become one thing, and this is one of the biggest causes of the problem.
- Your life is related to the lives of your children, of course, but it is not the same life. You are still a person and your husband is a person and your children are other people.
Each of you has his own life, requirements, opinions, and ideas, and you must Each of you respects the other and respects his limits and privacy.
- Most experts talk about the need to respect the privacy of children, and what about the limits and privacy of parents? It is something that children will not learn on their own, but you must impose on them your limits, privacy, and space that you must take with their mother.
How do parents draw clear boundaries between their children and their married life?
In order to draw clear boundaries between you and your children, you must do some points that many others have done and that have paid off, and their lives become more organized and happy.
Make your children separate bedrooms
This is one of the most practical solutions that parents do not do, especially in our Arab societies. Parents always feel afraid for their children – an absolutely unjustified fear – that they will sleep alone, and leave them for years sleeping with them in the same room, how do you expect the child to know your limits and your privacy And you do this? The child will never learn that you have a life of your own and your limits if the situation continues like this, so you must separate your love and fear for your children, and the right habits and appropriate behavior that you must teach them.
Experts disagree about determining the best time you can separate your baby in a separate room, some say from the age of (3) months, while some say from the age of (6) months considering that it is the age at which you start introducing solid foods to your child, so that it is not dependent on Breastfeeding only, and there are people who say more than this, but in my opinion, the most appropriate time is already six months old, on the one hand, the child has begun to eat solid food with feeding, and on the other hand, he is small so that he has not formed the concepts of fear of darkness or demons Or monsters, etc., and this will make it easier for you to separate him from you.
Marital relations after childbirth
But pay attention to a very important point, you should not separate your child at once, you should start with one day a week, then two days, then three, and so on for a while, until the child gets used to sleeping alone, when your son is in a private room you will feel more special between you And between your wife, and this will positively affect your marital life, whether emotionally or sexually, which most fathers complain about being negatively affected after childbirth.
Take care of your needs as you care about the needs of your children
You must teach your children that their requirements are as important as yours. Your children do not feel that their requirements are more important and that every time you can postpone what you want to do for them what they want, this will make your children feel that you are not important, it is not important what you feel, it is not important to what You want it, it doesn’t matter what you need, so they will never respect your privacy, your life, and your boundaries, and you will teach them to be selfish and think only of themselves and their needs that you must satisfy them against your will.
So, if you are going to choose between your requirements and the requirements of your children, you can tell them that this time you will do what they need and postpone what you need, but in return, the opposite will happen next time and they have to accept this.
Close your room door
Most of the cases in which spouses complain that their intimate relationship has been negatively affected after childbirth, in which we discover after research that closing the door to their room was not an option they would make. Teach your children to sleep in a room on their own, but at the same time, you always leave the door to your room open so that your children can enter you at any time without learning that asking permission and knocking on the door is a must every time they need you.
So when you want time with your wife alone and you close the door the kids will know that something different is going on, this gives them a bad impression on the one hand, and they can start screaming and wailing, on the other hand, to open the door for them, so learn to lock your room door from the beginning in order to Children learn that each of you bedtime has its place and its limits and that if he needs something he should knock on the door and ask your permission.
Don’t make your children participate in all the topics you talk about
One of the best ways to help you draw frank boundaries with your children is to not allow them to participate in all the topics and discussions you are talking about. You can calmly ask your child not to participate in this discussion when he interferes, and that it is a “private” discussion between you and his mother, but in At the same time, ask him to intervene and express his opinion in other discussions, so that the child learns that there are limits and that there are discussions that can be interfered with and others that are not.
Ask your children every now and then to let you talk to their mother alone
In order for your lives not to be mixed and random, you can ask your children at times to leave the room for you and their mother to talk about a special topic, this will teach them to respect your privacy, and that you have limits that they are not allowed to cross, and you will find the child getting used to this and asking permission every time he wants to interfere in Talk and give his opinion to you.
Respect the privacy and limits of your children so that they respect your privacy and your limits
What you give you get paid for, and what you don’t give you can’t get paid for, you can’t grow carrots and wait for apples to be harvested, so what you want to harvest grow in the first place, if you want your children to respect your privacy respect their privacy, no You enter your children’s room before knocking, so that they knock on your door before entering. Do not search in your children’s room so that they do not become accustomed to searching in your privacy. Give your children their limits, freedom, and privacy so that they can give you the same.