You always ask me what I mean to you? What is my place in your heart? How do you define our relationship? What comes to your mind when you think about me? Wait, do you think about me? Do you have time for that?
Let me answer all your questions today, I know it’s late but it’s never too late. We are not lovers but you love me like crazy. I know you do.
I like you but not as my man, it’s complicated you know. So, in short, we are friends like best friends but in this relation, you are the one who said it all, and I am the one who kept it all in.
That’s cheating. so, you can say that I cheated on you of my free will. You are the cutest, happiest and most loveable thing happened to me in the past few years of my life. Most importantly when my heart was heavy, my soul was shattered, my colors were fading out.
You came to me like a breeze in autumn. You never said who Am I to you? How much I mean to you? But your actions explained it well. Every time you called my heart skipped a beat. Every time you were away I missed you to death. But then again I reminded myself we are not lovers.
Your heart was broken, and I helped you collect your pieces to make you a whole again, my fingers were bleeding, I had wounds in order to reconstruct your heart into its place more prettily than before.
It was not your fault that you never noticed because you were crumbling with pain. I don’t blame you, I don’t blame myself. Maybe it was supposed to be how it was. everything between us was intimate, even if there was no love, no confession, no commitment. Your voice melted my heart that was cold as ice, every word you said was nice. But I reminded myself we are not lovers & this is wrong.
it’s hard to love a man who still loves someone else. How am I supposed to take her place? This feeling felt like hell. And if I do, how long am I going to be by your side?
I was struggling also. I wanted to find my inner self, to chase my dreams. there was no place for love in between. because of that, I started building distance, you kept watching me with patience, there was no morning calls no late-night conversations. Our friendship was falling apart but whenever you called I never answered, sent texts I never replied. That broke your heart. I knew from the start it would go this way.
When we talked after months, it was a bit of conversation but I could see through the texts you were trembling, I was fumbling. But, there was a line of distance I have drawn that no one crossed.
And the night you told me that you love me, you were so afraid to say this but you said “yeah it’s true I love you I love you much” I still remember that text flickering on my phone screen. Again I reminded myself that we are not lovers and kept my thoughts in my head.
Even though I deleted the conversation the very next morning and you forgot what you said. Because we are not lovers. You got hospitalized, there was no way for me to ask you to come back to life. All my words were decorated lies.
I thought how will I forgive myself if you died. Fortunately, you were a survivor. you fought so bravely I was the one who saw myself lately. You kept on telling me your friends are coming over to see you
I know deep inside you were asking when I will be there because you wanted to see me, well me too(I never said because, to you, it was a lie again). As I said all the things except the ones you wanted to hear. Meanwhile, a pandemic arose and you were in isolation. Again I thought how will I forgive myself if you died. That plunge of pain was difficult to hide. Even in my smile, I cried. My voice was aching as a newly-wed bride. But again I reminded myself. We are not lovers.
Heavens listened to my prayer warrior like you is rare. Again you survived. It was painful even if you don’t talk to me, you can never hide. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. but, u never dialed your number because we are not lovers. We never were. We never will be I guess.
We never confessed, we never met. We never let go of each other either. We felt everything we never said. We did nothing for each other, but we did so much. And we know that we can be everything but not us. We have so many never but no forever. Because we are not lovers.